CRAZY: Can I get a peach slushie?
ME: Yes ma'am. (I walk away to make smoothie.)
one minute later......
CRAZY: Is there sugar in that?
*internal sigh*
ME: Yes ma'am. Probably a pretty good bit.
CRAZY: Oh, well I can't have that. I'm trying to eat all natural substances.
*pause scene*
Ok, first of all, sugar is natural. Fattening, but natural. Secondly, did you think the smoothie was made without any sweetener at all? Because sucralose, aspartame and saccharin are not natural. And if you didn't want that, then why didn't you ask what was in the flippin smoothie if you cared that much?
*unpause*
ME: Oh, well I'm sorry ma'am. Can I get you a water?
CRAZY: I'll take a diet coke if you have it.
*flippin pause scene again*
Ok, you moron. You just turned down a smoothie that I had to make because you're trying to go all natural but now you're gonna have a flippin diet coke? Really? Theres so much wrong with this, that I don't even have time to explain it. Idiot.
*unpause*
CRAZY: *goes over to snacks and grabs a natures valley granola bar* I can have this, see, because it's all natural.
*Clearly, because the ingredients listed on the back label don't say "additives and preservatives"at all. Genius*
ME: *trying not to lash out in a fit of rage* We also have coffee?
CRAZY: Oh, no. There's so much added to coffee. Preservatives and things. They're bad for you.
ME: Uh huh.
CRAZY: Do you know how to make coffee? I don't. My husband wants coffee but I just don't know how to make it. How many scoops is for one cup of coffee?
ME: *Trying really, really hard.* I don't know ma'am. It depends on alot of things. Like, how dark or light you like your coffee. Just alot of stuff.
CRAZY: Well, it's not for me. It's for my husband. What do you think he would like?
*Uh, how bout....HE"S YOUR EFFIN HUSBAND!!*
*"K" enters cafe. Starts to fill her coffee cup.*
CRAZY: You shouldn't drink that coffee. You're putting all those chemicals in your body.
K: I put worse than coffee in there.
CRAZY: How old are you?
K: 38
CRAZY: Well, I'm 59.
*pause scene*
Yeah you are 59. And you look it. So what are you trying to say? That, K looks older than you because she puts chemicals in her body?
Well she doesn't so...........
And if you've forgone a lifetime of chemicals (which you haven't...diet coke and granola preservative idiot) and you still look like poo that has a magic insane spell on it....then I think I'll stick to eating and drinking my yummy chemicals. Thanks for the advice.
Also, on another note, why the eff don't you know how to make coffee? You're 59 flippin years old. (And your jewelery is horribly tacky. You look like the cat lady that lives down the street from me...who is also crazy.)
*unpause*
....ten minutes later
ME: *Wiping down counter with windex spray....sprayed directly on cloth....eight feet away from CRAZY....*
CRAZY: *fake hack hack hacking* Could you not spray that around me? I'm asthmatic.
*Yeah, you're also effin nuts.*
ME: I'm so sorry ma'am.
CRAZY: Yeah, well you have to be careful. You never know what someone is allergic to.
*pause scene*
Are you asthmatic or is it your allergies, you wing nut? Also, I'm so sorry I keep the cafe clean. Geez.
.....I'm allergic to ugly jewelery. Can you please remove all the shiny purple crap from your fingers? Also, brush your hair, you hippie.
*unpause*
*B shows up and takes my spot at cafe so I leave. Yay.*
Later, B tells me that CRAZY complained about me because I was "spraying that stuff" too close to her.
Go eff yourself, CRAZY. Oh and by the way, I'm glad your "natural" life is making you happy. It's also making your gut stick out farther than your DD boobs.
ROFLMAO!! Doncha love know-it-all customers?!
ReplyDeleteFor the record....20 year veteran of the coffee biz here.
Aside from the water, coffee was probably the most natural of all the beverages you offered CRAZY. While I can't speak for your particular coffee brand (frown) I can say from experience MOST coffee is just coffee and mostly water.
For your knowlege and future use, here's how it's usually processed.
Senor Juan Valdez and his friends and family lovingly hand pick the coffee from the plant. It is then washed, dried and washed again, long before it ever leaves Colombia. The US government tests each batch upon import to insure there are no chemicals found on the coffee beans. Depending on who the roaster is, it goes through anther cleaning process.
Then it is roasted at about 5oo degrees for anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. If something survives that process, it's gonna kill you anyway.
Unless it's one of those froufy flavored-powdered Gen Foods International instants, there is no need for preservatives. That and the cappuccino you get from the gas station (we call that "Bubbaccino"). That's not "real" coffee.
Only when one starts adding powdered/flavored creamers and artificial sweeteners (emphasis on the word ARTIFICIAL)are any "chemicals" added to coffee.